RHONJ Recap July 12th

Recap of the chaos called the RHONJ.

Vicki Hyman/The Star-Ledger
Follow After "Real Housewives of New Jersey" star Danielle Staub's sickening command performance at a Brownstone benefit a few episodes ago, I never would have thought I could muster an ounce of sympathy for the woman. But apparently I underestimated the levels to which our fair housewives will sink. It's entirely possible that Danielle was exaggerating her injuries during the takedown at the North Jersey Country Club in tonight's episode, but it appears that she did little, THIS TIME, to provoke Teresa Giudice and Jacqueline Laurita into chasing her screaming through the halls, and Jacqueline's daughter Ashley into ripping out her hair extensions. "Don't call me honey" is not fightin' words, unless, of course, you're from Paterson.

The showdown happened at the North Jersey Country Club, where the gals were attending a fashion show put on Kim DePaola of Posche. Jacqueline and Teresa were at Kim D.'s table, while Danielle accompanied Kim Granatell. As Danielle was leaving, Teresa positioned herself in the lobby and tried to engage, nay incite Danielle into a confrontation. Danielle resisted at first, but Teresa was working overtime to turn it into Table Flip 2.0. And speaking of the table flip, Teresa was trying to convince Danielle that really, she's all sweetness and light, and that Danielle turned her into a furniture-toppling hellion, honey. When Danielle coolly tell her not to call her honey, Teresa snaps and calls her a bitch.


Here's where we pick up: Danielle snaps and tells her the next time Teresa throws something at her, she'll press charges. Teresa mocks her, saying that she may live in a $5 million home now, but, "Don't forget girlfriend, I'm from Paterson." Does that mean Teresa has street cred? Danielle tells her that her house is in foreclosure. (It wasn't at that point, but, as we recently discovered, Teresa's financial woes are epic.) Kim G. pushes Teresa away and sits her down while Teresa claims that a) it's none of Danielle's business whether her home is in foreclosure (like Danielle's sordid past was anyone's business?), and b) Danielle started it. FAIL. Teresa pushes Kim G. off her. Jacqueline is chasing Danielle, who is accompanied a bodyguard, down the hallway yelling about how the court records from her long-ago arrest show she beat someone with a pistol. Teresa is hard on her heels. The bodyguard is trying to get Danielle out of the building while Teresa and Jacqueline are screaming at her. A couple of ladies try to hold Teresa back, and one bystander who is almost knocked down says, "This is such (bleeping) bull(bleep)." Amen, sister.


While Danielle cowers in a bush outside the entrance, Kim G. manages to briefly stop Teresa, who's still shouting about her house not being in foreclosure. (The lady doth protest too much.) Kim G. then goes outside to minister to Danielle, who is screeching that she wants to go home. A gentleman stops Teresa from busting out the door. "Show that you have class," he says. "Show that you're a classy person." That. Ship. Has. Sailed.

Kim G. is now ineffectually trying to calm down Danielle by yelling "Calm down!" at her. That works about as well as you would expect. Kim D. is trying to reign in Teresa, and Ashley seizes the moment. As Kim G. tries to escort Danielle to the car, Ashley sashays over and yanks some of Danielle's hair extensions out. "Who do you think you are?" Ashley says, delivering her lines with the bare minimum of emotion. (She should hire Gia's acting coach.) As Jacqueline pulls her away, Ashley yells, "Love and light. Stay in the positive, bitch." The bodyguard scoops up Danielle and takes her Kim G.'s Bentley. Jacqueline is upset when she hears that Ashley pulled Danielle's hair: "Oh, great. Why did it have to get to this point." BECAUSE YOU'RE ON A REALITY SHOW, IDIOT WOMAN.

Teresa is still tracking Danielle like a panther. Harry, Kim G.'s driver, is trying to hold her off. "You're coming close to a Bentley now," he tells her. "I don't kneed you messing up that." Ha! Harry keeps Teresa at a distance while Danielle continues to freak out in the backseat of the car. Jacqueline catches up to Teresa, who says, "I want to talk to the bitch." "Why?," Jacqueline says. "What is the point? Let her live her miserable life." Because Teresa needs to earn a paycheck, that's why. Ashley strolls over, and Jacqueline pushes her away. "I love how you pick Danielle over your own daughter," Ashley says. Grow up, Ashley.

Danielle calls 911 as Teresa walks off. Jacqueline is still standing near the car, and Kim G. gets out to talk to her. ("Don't let Kim hit her! Don't let Kim hit her!" Danielle says.) Jacqueline essentially says that Danielle brought this on herself by talking about other people behind their backs. Kim G. finds Teresa, who is pissed at her. Kim G. says that she knows Teresa tried to be nice to Danielle -- as if! -- and that "something went terribly wrong." But I call everybody honey!, Teresa claims innocently. Not her fault! Nuh-uh! Ashley tells Teresa and the Kims that she yanked out Danielle's hair "because I thought she touched my mom." Like, when? When Danielle was fleeing the scene with Jacqueline in hot pursuit? Ashley has no regrets.

The police call Danielle back on her cell phone; Danielle tells them that Ashley attacked her and Teresa chased her down like a lunatic. The cops arrive.

Whew. That was just the first 10 minutes.

When we return, Danielle is talking to the cops, but freaks out when Jacqueline comes near. In voiceover, Jacqueline says that Danielle should have just gone home and called the cops the next day. "Wherever Danielle is, there's drama," she sniffs. Danielle shows the police clumps of hair that Ashley pulled out of her head. "That's assault!" Ashley tries to parse the hair-pulling: "Technically, I didn't grab her hair, I grabbed her extensions, so it's really not a part of her." (Ashley's earrings are technically not a part of her, but we bet she wouldn't like it if someone ripped them out.)

Teresa plays dumb when the police ask to take her statement. "You should take [Danielle's] driver's license, because she's the one who's the drama queen. She's the one who's the coke whore, not me." Danielle is still sobbing in the Bentley.


The next day, Jacqueline and Teresa spill the dirt to Caroline Manzo, while Danielle tells her story to Danny Provenzano. Caroline wants to know if Teresa had good intentions when she stopped Teresa, or whether she was giving her "the bitch hello." Teresa swears she didn't mean to start anything. Jacqueline clearly doesn't believe her. Caroline tsks Teresa: "She got exactly what she wanted. She wanted everybody to say, 'See, mean girls. You see the mean girls? You see what I have to deal with?' And you gave it her."

Meanwhile, Danielle tells Danny that she really feared for herself. "If there would have been a knife anywhere handy, she would grabbed it and stabbed me," she says of Teresa. Danielle thinks they really want to kill her.

The next day, Danielle talks with her energist (her "personal trainer for her spirit," in the energist's words). The energist says she's tapped into her psychic powers and feels the situation is escalating. She offers to call Jacqueline. Jacqueline is not receptive to the energist's outreach, but agrees to let the energist try soothing her spirit over the telephone. In reality, Jacqueline plays a game on her iPhone.

Teresa tells Joe about the incident. "I was just being nice. I am a lady." She says that Danielle taunted her about the foreclosure. Joe looks sad. Teresa reenacts the whole chase, defending Ashley by saying that Ashley heard Danielle hit Jacqueline. In the end, Teresa didn't get arrested, so Joe says she done good.

Danielle meets with Kim G. at the Preakness. Danielle tells her she's going to file charges against Ashley, whom she calls "a very dangerous young lady." Jacqueline has a sit-down with Ashley, asking her why she went after Danielle when Jacqueline expressly told her to stay out of it and "to let the grown-ups handle it." Well, that's your answer. There are no grown-ups here. Ashley goes on the offensive, asking why she's making Danielle out to be the saint and Ashley the bad guy. Ashley says she has "every right" to attack Danielle if she thought Danielle hit her mom. (When did the Supreme Court rule on the "mom may have been smacked" as a mitigating factor for assault?) Whatever, Ashley says.

Chris wants to talk to her. Please, please, please, talk some sense into her. Chris asks Ashley if she going to handle it if she gets in trouble for this. Ashley doesn't even know what he's talking about, so he spells it out for her: A lawyer? She admits doesn't know who's going to handle it. "You can't go around saying or doing what you want to do and expect people like me and mom to step up and help," Chris tells her. Ashley responds -- all together now -- "Whatever." Chris lays down the law: Making a crazy person crazier will create problems for the family, so do not communicate with Danielle at all, and if Ashley does try to provoke Danielle, she has to pack her stuff and go.

In other, far more boring, storylines, Albie Manzo meets with his lawyer to discuss getting shown the door at Seton Hall Law School. Apparently after getting dismissed from law school, you have to wait two years before applying anywhere else, and Albie doesn't want to wait. The lawyer says it looks like Seton Hall didn't give him the help he requested, so they should ask the school for a letter that allows him to apply elsewhere.